An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearance. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."
An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man, "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling everybody."
An boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY - Day number 1 OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 2 through 180 OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing! that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. Finally aware of how sadistic they are. Today I was chosen for water torture...It included a foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds! My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. There was some sort of gathering and I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I ! could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of what they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must investigate to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies -- and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and happily returns. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand is an informant, and speaks with them regularly obviously reporting my every move. His current placement in the metal room assures his safety -- but it's only a matter of time...
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ...... equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? ..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
One day the Lord came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news." Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first." The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a *****. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after two weeks, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?" "Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said his skeptical friend. "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So, I took the truck!" "Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes woulda never fit you."
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the clubhouse where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Four pilots were flying a long flight and the conversation led to, what is the fastest thing in the world? The first pilot said “It must be the Concorde Jet you can get from New York to London in 3 hours, what's faster than that.” The second pilot said “I know what's faster, light, there is nothing faster than the speed of light.” The third pilot said “I know what's even faster, the human thought process, nothing can possibly be faster that that.” The last pilot said “I know what's faster than all that stuff, the human sphincter muscle!” All the pilots looked at him and asked what the hell he was talking about, he said “One time when I was flying a Concorde jet, lightning struck, and before I could even think about it I **** my pants.”
At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows. He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."
Wow, And I thought that this Nathan's a Joke thead would be good, possibly filled with people making fun of Nathan. Imagine my dissapointment when I saw all of these old jokes!
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
One morning at the law office, one lawyer looked at the other and said, "You really look terrible this morning." His companion replied, "I woke up with a headache this morning and no matter what I try, I can't get rid of it." The first lawyer told him, "When that happens to me, I take a few hours off during the day to go home and make love with my wife. It always works for me." Later that afternoon, the first lawyer commented on his partner's improved appearance. "I took your advice and it worked," the partner replied. "By the way, you've got a beautiful house."
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered, "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun in the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness no one answered "All right, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER DRINK, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND MAKE NO MISTAKE, I DON'T LIKE DOING WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another drink, walked outside, and sure enough his horse was back. He saddled up and started to ride out. The bartender came out and said "Say partner, before you go.... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said "I had to walk home."
Funny Story HOW THE FIGHT STARTED I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . . . . . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and angrily says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which one are you?' That's when the fight started ......................
A guy comes home from work and sees his girlfriend has packed her bags and is waiting for a taxi to come pick her up. The guy asks, "What's going on?!" His girlfriend replies, "I'm leaving you. I heard that you are a pedophile." The guy replies, "Whoa, hold on there...pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year-old!"
Dream was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black male bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices... Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Dream decided to accept the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Dream soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Dream. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Dream thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it took several months before Dream finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Dream, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" :biggrin:
Nathan and a young boy were walking towards the woods late at night one evening. The young boy says, "Nathan, im scared of going into the woods alone with you." Nathan replies, "you're scared? I have to walk out of the woods alone!" Zing!
there was this guy called Dizmal.. he only has child sex and animal sex with Dream on his mind.. NO JOKE just facts... ZING
Well, I got one with midgets.... Three midgets were in a bar drinking. After a few hours of drinking one of the midgets looked at his hands and says "you know, you guys both have really small hand and mine are smaller. I bet I have the smallest hands in the world." The other two midgets agree that his hands are quite small and tells him that he probably does have the smallest hands in the world. A few minutes later the second midget says "Compared to you guys my feet are tiny, I bet I have the smallest feet in the world." The other two agreed that this was probably true. The third midget sits quietly for several more beers then finally speaks up. "You know guys, I think I might have the smallest d1ck in the world." He gives some details and the other two tell him wow that is pretty small, that might be the smallest d1ck in the world. The three midgets decide that the next day they should go down to the Guinness Book of World Records office to get checked out. The next day they all meet at the office and tell the woman at the desk why they are there. She asks them to wait there and she will call them in one at a time to get measured for the records. The woman calls the first midgets name and tells him to go into a room and they will measure his hands. A few minutes later he comes out with a huge smile on his face and a plaque, he tells his friends that he officially has the smallest hands in the world. The woman then calls the second midget into the room for his feet measuring. He also comes out a few minutes later with a big smile and a plaque for having the smallest feet in the world. The woman then calls the third midgets name and asks him to go into the room for his d1ck measuring. He comes out of the room a few minutes later looking depressed and says "who the **** is Readymix?!?!" Ba da bing!
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.' One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.' 'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'
