K, I don't know if this is going to work. I am trying to upload some pictures to this thread... If they show up, these are absolutely hilarious. You probably have to be a nerd to enjoy them, but I think everyone can get something out of them. I can't count how many times I wanted to do this when taking a test...
my old teacher didn't like that "find x" one when I did that intentionally ... but then again - easiest subject ever. He had me doing other things cause I was ahead of the class
A mathematician organized a raffle in which the prize was advertised as an infinite amount of money. He sold all the tickets quickly. When the winning ticket was drawn, and the happy winner came to claim his prize, the mathematician explained the mode of payment: 1 dollar now, 1/2 a dollar next week, 1/3 a dollar the week after that...
A mathematician, a physicist, a computer scientist and an engineer are all staying at the same hotel at a conference. At about two in the morning, the engineer wakes up because he smells smoke. He looks around and sees that the TV set is on fire! He dashes into the bathroom, fills the fire bucket to overflowing with water, and drenches the TV set and half the room. The fire goes out, and the engineer goes back to sleep. A little while later, the physicist wakes up, also smelling smoke, and notices that his TV too is on fire. He grabs a handy envelope, estimates the BTU output of the fire, scribbles a quick calculation, then dashes into the bathroom and fills the water glass with just enough water to douse the flames. He puts the fire out and goes back to sleep. In a little while, the mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke. He looks at the flaming television, then glances into the bathroom and sees the fire bucket. Having determined that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep. The computer scientist wakes up, looks in confusion at the merrily burning TV, and says, "It shouldn't be doing that!"
A retiring Physical Chemistry professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet: Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof. He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions. One, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose. Conversely, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over, condition two. We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic."
The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero at infinity etc.). Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is coming!" All immediately hide themselves under the tables, only the exponential sits calmly on the chair. The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?" "No, I'am e to x", says the exponential self-confidently. "Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?"
Here's an alternate version of the above joke: A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry. "Well, you see, there's this differential operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me...!" "Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance. e^x: "Hi, I'm e^x" diff.op.: "Hi, I'm d/dy"
so a proton and a neutron was into a bar. they both order a martini. then the bartender turns to the proton and says "that'll be ten dollars". the proton, in a huff, asks why the neutron didn't have to pay, and the bartender says, "NO CHARGE!"
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter: "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks out. A few days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about, anyway?" The Indian says, "Me in training for job as Engineer; drink coffee, shoot ****, disappear for a few days."
